Who are we without Gender Rolls, Part 1: Femininity is Not Submissive.
Femininity is often treated as a set of rules for how women should behave: be gentle, be nurturing, be capable, be beautiful, and be agreeable. Individually, these qualities may seem harmless, but together they can point toward a larger, more harmful message: be pleasant, be accommodating, and don’t be difficult. Be submissive.
Femininity is not submissive.
At some point, we have to be honest about the impact of the message underneath all of this. When femininity is defined around pleasing others, those same qualities can become ways of teaching women to prioritize other people’s comfort over their own needs, boundaries, and autonomy. A woman can be gentle without being compliant, nurturing without being self-sacrificing, beautiful without being ornamental, and accommodating without surrendering her autonomy. There is nothing inherently feminine about making yourself smaller for someone else’s comfort.
Imagine you’re walking through the woods and come across a bear. Finding out the bear is female probably wouldn’t make you feel any safer. You wouldn’t think “Oh, it’s a girl, nevermind.” If anything, you’d probably start wondering whether there are cubs nearby, because we understand how fiercely a mother bear will protect her young. The same animal capable of incredible gentleness toward her cubs can also become incredibly dangerous when they are threatened. Her tenderness doesn’t make her less powerful; in many ways, the two exist side by side. We wouldn’t say her sex makes her less capable, less powerful, or a failure of femininity. We understand instinctively that being female and being formidable are not opposites. Throughout the animal kingdom, strength and protection are not reserved for males. They are simply traits used when necessary by male and females alike. Yet somehow, we struggle to extend the same understanding to women who display those same qualities.
Furthermore, the tension becomes even more apparent when we consider what is often expected of women. Women are frequently expected to manage households, remember appointments, coordinate family events, maintain relationships, organize celebrations, and carry much of the invisible labor that keeps daily life functioning. These responsibilities require planning, leadership, initiative, and competence. We do not describe those qualities as submissive in any other context, yet we often expect women to embody them while simultaneously encouraging them to be delicate, passive, and self-sacrificing.
These contradictions invite a closer examination of what we mean when we talk about femininity. There is no inherent “princess syndrome” that requires women to be cute, delicate, nurturing, domestic, or agreeable. Some women love those things. Others don’t. Some want children. Some don’t. Some love dresses and makeup. Others feel most themselves in jeans and work boots. Some are naturally nurturing. Others aren’t. None of these qualities determine whether someone is feminine enough.This can become especially complicated when cultural or religious beliefs have taught women that certain roles are inherently more appropriate for them.
Faith and culture can be an important part of someone’s identity, but it is worth examining whether a belief reflects a personal value or an expectation that was placed on you because you are a woman. A woman can choose a traditional role without believing every woman should want the same life. She can love motherhood without believing motherhood is what makes her valuable. She can enjoy being cared for without believing she is incapable of caring for herself and she can reject traditional roles without becoming any less of a woman.
When we view femininity through the lens of submission, we risk overlooking the flexibility that healthy relationships require. What many people describe as submission may actually be trust, cooperation, interdependence, or simply the willingness to let someone else carry the weight when they are better equipped to do so. This distinction matters because submissive has a specific meaning. It implies yielding authority or placing another person’s will above your own. Yet many of the experiences women describe in healthy relationships do not fit that definition.
Women in healthy relationships often report feeling softer, more playful, more nurturing, more affectionate, or more relaxed. These experiences are real, but the question is whether submission is the most accurate explanation for them. A woman who feels safe, supported, and no longer overwhelmed may naturally become more patient, emotionally available, and open to connection. That is not necessarily submission; it may simply be the result of security and partnership.
Submission may also be one relationship dynamic that some women freely choose, but it is not the defining feature of femininity. A woman can trust, receive support, and soften without surrendering her autonomy. Healthy relationships are not built on one person becoming smaller. They are built on two people creating enough safety and support for both to become more fully themselves.
The goal is not to convince women that femininity is bad. The goal is to create enough freedom for women to decide what femininity means to them. There is nothing wrong with being soft. There is nothing wrong with being nurturing. There is nothing wrong with wanting a traditional life.
The problem begins when preference becomes prescription.
When “This is what I enjoy” becomes “This is what women are supposed to be.” The consequences of that shift are often subtle. Many women learn to suppress anger, minimize their needs, avoid conflict, or prioritize other people’s comfort at the expense of their own well-being. Over time, it can become difficult to distinguish between personal values and social expectations. What feels like a choice may actually be an adaptation to what has been rewarded, praised, or expected.
A woman can be feminine and assertive. Feminine and ambitious. Feminine and independent. Feminine and angry.
If you’ve spent years believing that being a good woman means being agreeable, accommodating, or small, it can take time to figure out what you actually want underneath those expectations.That process can be difficult to deconstruct and navigate alone. Therapy can provide a space to examine the beliefs you inherited, distinguish your values from other people’s expectations, and build a sense of identity that feels authentically yours.
You don’t have to become less feminine to become more yourself. You just have to give yourself permission to decide what being a woman means to you.