The song, Flowers, by Miley Cyrus speaks of a person who has gone through a break-up, recognizing that all the things her partner had done (and things her partner neglected to do) she can do for herself. It got me thinking about self-care.
Take-aways in this article
- Self-care begins with self-compassion.
- If we don’t take care of ourselves first, we will be ill-equipped to help others.
- Self-regulation is often warranted in situations when dealing with big emotions and begins with a calm body.
Self-care is a popular term recently. It gets a bad rap at times, and there certainly are situations in which it can be abused. However, overall, it makes a lot of sense that we care for ourselves. Babies and young children have caregivers to meet their needs. Adults are thrown into independence, expected to provide themselves care without much preparation. So many young adults are perplexed about the basics for physical, mental, relationship or spiritual health. In addition to the lack of training, individuals often have a low sense of self-worth. Without the recognition that “I am valuable,” there is less motivation for self-care. You may have a history of abuse, bullying or critical parents, leaving an inner voice saying, “I’m not enough.” If so, try to find a part of you that can shower compassion on the hurts you’ve experienced. (This can be very difficult and may be assisted by working with a therapist.) When you notice that negative voice, imagine giving it a hug, addressing the underlying pain, and then shift your thought to a positive one. Here’s a mantra I came across that might resonate with you: “I know my value, and I refuse to offer discounts.” Or simply: “I am worth it.”
Many people with severe inner critics are the first ones to offer help to others. However, burn out will eventually take helpers down unless they refuel internally. Flight attendants tell us to secure our oxygen masks before assisting others — it’s a common analogy but true! If you don’t take time to care for your health and meet your daily needs, you will not be useful to anyone.
If you want to improve in this area, try to implement one good habit a week. Here are some examples: do something physical (work out, take a walk, etc) 3x/week; improve your thought life through perhaps reading intellectually stimulating materials or trying meditation; look up ways to enhance your relationships such as downloading Gottman card decks or finally setting up couples counseling; increase spiritual practices so they become more of a rhythm–prayer, communing with nature or whatever suits your beliefs. Be sure to be reasonable in your intentions, otherwise that inner critic may get loud (which, of course, you will embrace and show compassion).
In addition to an inner critic, you may come across situations that trigger Big Emotions within you. These triggers are often caused by past experiences that have impacted us in hurtful ways, hurts that have not fully healed. Such scenes push us into fight or flight, or Survival Mode. During those moments, our bodies automatically tense up, often leading to reactive behavior. The first step in reducing reactivity is noticing the tension. Then comes the task of allowing the body to relax — easier said than done! Our bodies are wired to be defensive, to protect ourselves. However, with persistence and practice, you can develop the habit of taking deep breaths and feeling more relaxed in triggering situations. One of the keys in developing these habits is to practice regularly when not in fight/flight mode.
Here are some suggestions to ease and bring about the feeling of safety in our bodies:
- Take deep breaths
- Sing or repeat a calming phrase
- Laugh
- Take a walk
- Get out in nature
- Give yourself a neck or foot massage
- Stay hydrated
- And perhaps buy yourself flowers!