Part of the Better Sex Series

In the last article of the Better Sex Series, you started to understand what turns you off. Remember that thanks-but-no-thanks system? Understanding how your brake systems work for your sex drive can feel discouraging but keep your head up – now it’s time to learn what gets your engine revving!

What turns us on? Well, if your thanks-but-no-thanks system defines what turns you off, that means your hubba-hubba system defines what turns you on. And aren’t you oh so curious how that part works?

Your hubba-hubba system scans the environment for things that are sexually relevant for you; it operates from an analysis of context. Our foot presses pedal to the metal when there’s a green light ahead and no car for miles. Our brain and body say yes to sex when we are feeling extra attractive today and our partner just complimented us.

Unfortunately, neither of our systems has total control at any given time. Our hubba-hubba system may scan to show us that the house is clean, the babies are still sleeping, and we just had a lovely morning with our partner but our thanks-but-no-thanks system pulls up on the hand brake because we didn’t sleep well last night and although we had a lovely morning with our partner, maybe they (again) didn’t come to bed at the same time last night so we are feeling somewhat disconnected and unimportant. Which is when our hubba-hubba system clicks back in and sees that our partner is seemingly pretty interested in us right now and we just had some coffee… until our thanks-but-no-thanks system slams on the brakes because our partner asks us if we brushed our teeth yet.

What does this mean? We need to start getting to know our car. We all need to be mechanics. What engages our brakes and accelerator? How sensitive are our brakes in the first place? Do we feel like we ever let down our hand brake?

If you have sensitive brakes (meaning you are really good at spotting all of the deer on the side of the road), you are more likely to have sexual problems in your relationship because your hubba-hubba system just can’t possibly keep up.

So here you are, wanting to know how to have more sex. If you’ve started to define your brakes and accelerator systems – started to understand what turns you on and turns you off in your environment – you’re part of the way there. The next part? Telling your partner! Guessing games don’t work so well and assuming your partner should know already (no matter how long you’ve been together) skips the next crucial step to having more sex.

In the next article of the Better Sex Series, you’ll learn how to tell your partner all of these things so that you can not only have more sex but also eventually get around to all that better sex we’ve been talking about.

Interested in more information about sex? Check out 7 Sex Education Lessons From Emily Nagoski’s ‘Come As You Are’.

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