As a parent of a five and three-year-old, a lot of my reading involves parenting and techniques I work to incorporate with my kiddos. I’ll be the first to admit, that I don’t always meet these standards as we’re all humans who are trying to balance parenting with jobs, relationships, and daily stressors. That being said, I’ve found Dr. Becky, the authors of Big Little Feelings, among others, to have valuable advice that I’ve seen work in real-time, so let’s start with the concept of getting on their level.
We’ve all had experiences when our kids are having a difficult time/meltdown. It may be as simple as their sibling getting the orange plate, needing to pack up and leave the park, or just getting out the door for an appointment. These emotions are normal reactions where our kids are trying to tell us they are simply overwhelmed. Even if these don’t seem rational to us adults, remember we ask our kids to do so many things throughout the day and sometimes they just want to keep playing. Remind yourself they are simply communicating, you’re in charge and take a deep breath.
Now that you are calm and in a more empathic state, get down on a knee, bend over, or sit down so you can get on their level and calmly say, “You’re having some big feelings and that’s okay,” or “I know it’s hard to leave the park when you’re having so much fun, but we also need to pack up to get ready for lunch.” By talking with your kids at their level, and repeating yourself if necessary, you create a situation of understanding while still holding your boundaries. Kids are talked down to (generally not on purpose) by larger people all the time, and this small gesture can go a long way in you creating connection by seeing each other eye-to-eye.
When we slow down, and calmly express empathy while still holding our boundaries, we are showing our kids that we care about them while also holding them accountable. Kids actually look for a trusted adult to guide them, they also naturally push boundaries because who wouldn’t want ice cream for breakfast? Our job is to meet them on their level, let them know we hear their frustration, and help them move on. A great way to accomplish that last step is to offer them an alternative such as, “can you help me make the sandwiches at home” or “want to race back to the car.”
There are so many helpful parenting resources out there and often our first step is simply finding something that fits our parenting beliefs. When kids are frustrated and seem illogical to us adults, remember their brains are still developing and it’s our job to demonstrate how to be patient, calm, empathic, and firm with boundaries. While this isn’t always easy in our sometimes chaotic lives, just like any other skill, the more we practice, the better we become and that’s a win for parents and kids alike. If you could benefit from working with a trained therapist, please reach out to me, or any of my trusted colleagues at GR Therapy Group and we’d be glad to help you move forward.