So, here’s a short story about me just so you know where I’m coming from as a therapist. I was the kid who thought I might not do well on a math test and ended up collapsed on the floor of the kitchen in full melt-down mode. I told my parents in that moment, “Who am I if I’m not good at school? I haven’t accomplished anything yet. I have no value if I don’t do well.” Naturally, this left my parents confused, unsure how to respond, and wondering how we got here as a family.
In high school I joined every club and took as many AP classes as possible.
I replayed every soccer game in my head and zeroed in on the one shot I missed or the pass that became a turnover.
I replayed most social conversations to see what I could have done better.
As you can see, I put extraordinary pressure on myself and took everything entirely too seriously.
I was a perfectionist. At the time, I would have scoffed at the idea that being a perfectionist was not helpful to me or that I could even call myself one (since I clearly made mistakes all the time).
Perfectionism helped me to achieve many life goals in my youth. However, I did not necessarily enjoy them or if I did, the boost in confidence didn’t last long. I was almost immediately on to the next thing. Was this good for my mental health? Absolutely not.
What I desperately needed was a sense of wholeness and well-being outside of my accomplishments. I needed to accept my less-than-perfect self.
The Process of Letting Go
When I first started down this path, I realized that letting go of perfectionism was scary. I didn’t fully believe that I could still do well in school or in other areas of life without it. What I found is that when I finally started letting go, my mental health improved. I spent more time caring about other things and was overall much happier.
If you are still uncertain that you want to start to “let go” of perfectionism, then you would be joining a league of like-minded others who fear uncertainty of change. This is normal! Begin by weighing the pros and cons of what perfectionism brings to the table for you. If you decide to try and experiment with change, it can be helpful to start small. Is there one thing you can practice “letting go?” For example, can you make the bed without smoothing out the sheets? Can you wash the dishes but leave one dish in the sink? Be curious about yourself and your reactions. Observe as though you are learning more about someone you don’t know.
Higher Values and Inner Worth
What has helped me in the process of letting go was realizing that there are higher values outside of what we accomplish in this life. I realized that I valued things like family, helping others, connection with nature, the process of learning (not just the output), adventure, and friendship. I realized that accomplishments were ultimately attempts to fill a void for what I was lacking: a clear and consistent sense of inherent worth and value.
What are things that you value? How does perfectionism enhance or interfere with those values? What values are in direct conflict with the time and energy that you put toward perfecting certain areas of your life? For example, does the pursuit of perfection at work impact your ability to be present with those you love? Do you often get so in the weeds/details with making something perfect that it drags time away from more important pursuits? If these questions are hard for you to begin to think about, imagine that you are at the end of your life. What do you think will matter most to you at the end? This exercise can help to give clues about what you really value.
Compassion for Self and Others
The process of learning to tolerate your own flaws (you have them and you are still worthy) directly parallels the process of learning to tolerate flaws in others. Some people find that they are able to forgive others easier than themselves. They may even believe that they are not worthy of self-compassion, or that self-kindness is weak or self-indulgent.
If this is you, it takes a lot of practice to learn to extend the same self-compassion towards yourself as you do others. Learning that you are no different from anyone else is a step in being able to extend kindness to yourself. Exploring self-compassion for the first time can be overwhelming, feel awkward, and may even back-fire by causing increased self-criticism. A first step towards self-compassion is to pay attention to that inner voice. How are you coaching yourself when things are going south for you?
Tolerating Distress and Uncertainty
Last, learning to tolerate distress and uncertainty are mighty tasks but well worth the pursuit. I have found that people who are highly anxious and also perfectionistic tend to struggle to allow themselves to experience suffering (anxiety = failure = this is not tolerable). When in reality, suffering is a natural part of life and anxiety is a natural reaction to perceived threat. When we feel anxious, we often try even harder to control things around us. However, control is largely an illusion. Although we can increase our chances of certain life outcomes, ultimately the algorithm (or God’s plan), is far too complicated to allow for true control over all the elements. Learning to “lay it down” or “turn it over” – (a sort of Jesus Take the Wheel moment), is a massive step in moving away from Perfectionism and toward Peace.
Therapy and Perfectionism
There is a clear difference between surviving and thriving when it comes to mental health. Often, perfectionists fly under the radar because the outside world sees that they are getting by (and doing very well) in many areas of life. However, they are often suffering inside. If you are interested in exploring perfectionism and control, then it might be helpful to do so with a therapist. A therapist will be able to help you navigate the above themes, while providing support. You may also begin to explore the origins of your perfectionism. This exploration can be difficult, but it is well-worth the pursuit given the inner peace that can come from letting go of perfectionism.
If you feel that you are ready to get started, reach out to schedule an appointment today!