How many times have you heard the phrase or even thought to yourself, “I am such a people pleaser!” This is a common refrain I hear from folks. When we start to unpack what so-called people-pleasing looks like for them, I often hear some of the following tendencies.
- Apologizing to others almost automatically, even when one feels they do not have anything to apologize for, just to avoid conflict and “keep the peace.”
- Struggling to say no to requests from others and often taking on an overwhelming amount of responsibilities.
- Working incredibly hard to attend to and meet others’ needs while often sacrificing their own in the process.
- Suppressing one’s honest thoughts and feelings and agreeing with others for fear of upsetting them.
The list certainly goes on, as there are many varied tendencies that people often identify under the umbrella of people-pleasing. When these tendencies become inflexible and almost default responses in interactions with others, they can contribute to significant distress and leave folks feeling stuck. For example, folks often report significant anxiety, depression, and exhaustion as the responsibilities they have taken on and emotions they have suppressed overwhelm them. They may struggle to hold a positive view of themselves, describing their self-worth as always in the balance, swaying back and forth depending on the approval or disapproval they receive from others. In the long run, people may actually experience greater feelings of isolation and loneliness and struggle to achieve deeper connections with others as they often hold back from being their authentic selves to avoid disapproval, abandonment, or painful experiences.
For those seeking change and more flexible ways of interacting with others, their efforts are often made more difficult by this term “people pleaser” itself. It carries with it a sense of hopelessness and confusion as though “this is the way I am, have always been, and will continue to be.” Yet, the fact is that these so-called people-pleasing tendencies are not just who we are but strategies (strategies involving moving towards others) that we have learned somewhere along the way for very understandable reasons.
For example, imagine a child attempts to share their experiences and speak up for themselves but is repeatedly met by caregivers with disapproval or even threats of punishment and abandonment. The child cannot just leave the relationship and has found their attempts to protest only bring on further negative reactions. It makes sense that they may find a way to stay connected while minimizing the harm done to them through these moving towards strategies. In fact, along with our fight, flight, or freeze response, folks can exhibit a “fawn” response to trauma, where one may employ strategies such as compliance or pleasing others to avoid harm. The point is that “people-pleasing” behaviors really are strategies we have learned that may have been protective at times. Yet, that protection can become a prison when these strategies are used almost automatically and inflexibly, even in new and different relationships and environments.
So what can we do if we find ourselves wanting to become more flexible in our interactions with others?
We can start by moving beyond the label of people pleaser and instead noticing our moving towards strategies with curiosity and compassion. To start changing our behavior, we need an awareness of where it’s showing up. What situations do you use these strategies in the most? What specifically do you tend to do? What purpose do they tend to serve? What key emotions do you experience or avoid experiencing when using these strategies? Imagine you’re a curious scientist looking at a new phenomenon, trying your best to just notice and understand it without judgment. In practice, you could even start by saying to yourself something like “There’s that old protective strategy again” when you notice you feel pulled to engage in moving towards behaviors. This not only builds awareness but also helps us practice finding more compassionate and validating ways of engaging with ourselves.
Find alternative tools for managing anxiety and strong emotions. Moving towards strategies are often employed in an attempt to regulate strong emotions such as anxiety. Practicing alternative tools like the dropping anchor exercise can help you explore new ways of handling difficult emotions and thoughts as you try to rely less on moving towards strategies. When experiencing strong emotion, we can also experience tunnel vision. Our options seem limited, and we are more likely to react with what we know than respond in new ways we are trying to build. So, let’s say you are starting to feel overwhelmed by anxiety or other emotions when someone is making a request to you, and it feels hard to say no. You may consider deferring your response by letting them know you’ll get back to them later. That way, you can have time to regulate and respond at a later time.
Practice ways of communicating your thoughts, feelings, and needs to others while still sticking to your values (e.g., kindness, respect, etc.). It can feel as though if we take the risk to speak up, say no, or rein in our moving towards responses, we’ll stray into being “too harsh,” mean, or inconsiderate of the feelings of others. However, stating our needs/wants clearly does not mean we cannot be respectful. One skill to try out when experimenting with sharing a need or saying no is called respect bookends, or as I like to call it respect sandwich. For example, assume a coworker asks you to take on an extra shift while they attend a family event. You may try the following.
Respect: Start with a statement conveying respect for the person’s feelings and situation. “I think it’s awesome you’re trying to find more ways to reach out to your family and spend time with them. I know you’ve really worked hard to reconnect with them for a while now.”
Statement: State your request, concern, decision, or perspective without qualifying it. “But I won’t be able to cover your shift. I’m feeling worn out and really need this time to rest and recharge.”
Respect: End with a statement conveying respect for the person’s feelings and situation. “I get this is an important time for you, and you were really hoping I’d be free. I won’t be able to pitch at this time, but if this comes up in the future, let me know, and I may be able to help out then.”
Pick your battles and find your allies. Deciding to try new ways of responding to others can seem really scary, especially in a society where, unfortunately, there are all sorts of contexts where we may face pressure to ignore our needs, sacrifice beyond our capacity, and avoid conflict or “not make waves.” For example, in workplaces where one could be pressured to work overtime, answer emails, or take on more work under threat of being fired or negatively evaluated if they refuse. The takeaway here is to start where you feel able and take things on a case-by-case basis. You may choose to start in situations where the stakes are relatively lower, such as with trusted others in situations where you may have equal power (e.g., a friend compared to one’s boss) with the person you are interacting with. On this point, when others are supportive of your attempts, try bringing them in to help you. This could be as simple as giving them permission to notice alongside you and call out when you’re engaging in old strategies or even just reminding you that it’s okay to say no or express your needs in the relationship.
Remember, the goal is greater flexibility in how we respond to others, not to just get rid of these old strategies. There is no one right answer or way to respond in the myriad of social situations we find ourselves in. When we factor in the variety of cultures and other backgrounds and contexts folks come from, we can recognize that we should be cautious not to paint with a broad brush, labeling this or that behavior as inherently people-pleasing and bad. It can also be a considerable strength and show deep care for others to be able to sacrifice and try to meet their needs. Thus, we can approach this work with the mindset of building a bigger toolbox of responses to others rather than getting rid of the tools we have.
Lastly, all of the above can be easier said than done. The good news is you don’t have to go it alone. Whether you’re wanting to learn some new skills for communicating with others, managing intense anxiety, or are looking to explore old protective strategies you’ve learned and try out new ones, myself and the variety of other therapists here at GRTG can provide a safe place to work through such concerns together!