Have you ever found yourself feeling stuck in the middle between two people? As though the problems between them suddenly became yours now too. Perhaps instead, you find yourself feeling aligned with one of the individuals against the other? Maybe you feel pushed out, on the outside, or overly focused on? If so, you have been a part of a process common to all relational systems – triangling.
Triangles come in many forms but, at their core, occur when two individuals are experiencing conflict between them. To reduce that tension, the pair may attempt to pull another person into the relationship so the anxiety can spread out amongst the three. Being in a triangle might mean you have felt like the family scapegoat (the one who was blamed), the hero (the one who was overly focused on/invested in), or even the mediator (the one who was a go-between) between two fighting parents or friends.
Some descriptions I hear from clients indicating they might be in the process of triangulation include:
- “My two friends use me to communicate with each other”
- “I get caught in the middle when they argue”
- “They are more interested in me & my problems than in their relationship”
- “My parent goes to me instead of to my other parent when they need emotional support”
- “I feel distant from one sibling and close with the other”
While triangling occurs in almost all families and emotional units at some time, it can come with a variety of costs if it happens more chronically. Higher levels of triangling in a person’s family of origin are also associated with higher reported psychological distress, relational anxiety, and adjustment difficulties in both childhood and adulthood. No matter the type of triangle (feeling like the problem, the middleman, or the de facto partner), being consistently drawn into relationship conflict can be inherently stressful!
So, what can you do if you’re noticing patterns of triangulation in your life?
- Remember that triangling will likely occur during more stressful periods. If you are navigating a big work deadline, major illness, the loss of a loved one, a breakup, or move to a new city (just to name a few), be mindful of how the anxiety might impact you and your relationships. You might be particularly vulnerable to triangling because there is heightened distress. Do your best to demonstrate self-compassion and cast a wide net of supports (e.g., therapy, exercise or movement, connecting with family, friends & colleagues).
- Focus on ways to reduce anxiety and emotional reactivity. We do our worst thinking and decision making when we feel emotionally flooded. In these moments of overwhelm, remember to STOP:
S – Stop and pause.
T – Take several deep breaths. One option is square breathing (breath in four seconds, hold it four seconds, breath out four seconds, hold four seconds).
O – Observe what you are experiencing without judgement. Are you feeling sad? Scared? Lonely? Remember your feelings aren’t a problem. Take time to check in with yourself.
P – Proceed thoughtfully knowing you can respond rather than immediately react. - Increase your comfort with loved ones having different thoughts, feelings, beliefs, or identities than your own. Though there is often overlap, folks’ lived experience belongs to them. That means encouraging family, friendship, and workplace cultures in which experiences can be honestly and respectfully shared is paramount to having fulfilling relationships.
- None of this is a one size fits all. Families differ in their values, religious & cultural identities, and sense of familial responsibility. There is no “right or wrong” structure of what relationships should look like. The goal instead is to develop awareness of when there is increased anxiety in the system so that members can still connect in ways that feel most meaningful to them!
If find yourself wanting to explore feelings of anxiety or relationship dynamics, reach out to schedule an appointment today.