How to Know When Therapy Would be Helpful
In the coming months, I will be offering a multiple-part series offering considerations and guidance for returning to a place of strength and peace following the end of a romantic relationship. In the current social climate, there is a LOT of advice and opinions to be found online pertaining to this topic. A search in YouTube, alone, will result in dozens of “Get Your Back” guarantees. This series will delve into your own healing and happiness, whether that is together with your ex, or otherwise.
Transitions, in life, are unavoidable. The fact is, we have all been coping with these shifts for much of our lives. Whether it was a new sibling joining the family, beginning the next grade in school with a different teacher to get to know, or moving into a new home or city with your family; we have all had to cope with the changes. These coping strategies are useful and important. But, how do we know when more support and guidance is needed? This writing is to assist in evaluating when meeting with a professional psychotherapist is in your best interest, to find peace, healing and to embrace the new normal of life after a romantic break-up. Let’s begin by defining three emotional ditches which may require a therapeutic environment. Avoiding these ditches can free you to continue down the road of living an enthusiastic adventure, whether alone or with somebody special.
First Ditch:
Have you ever found yourself in a space that sounds like a broken record after a break-up? When in this state (rumination), it is natural to go over the details of an entire relationship, in order to find any “new information” to explain why things have ended so poorly. There tends to be a false belief that; “If I only understood this other person better, I would be released from this pain”. Here’s the catch. “Understanding” the other person, who you are no longer in an intimate relationship with, does not guarantee that the behaviors, attitudes or beliefs of that person will “make sense”. That is one emotional ditch that can cause grief to linger and the pain to be ramped-up episodically. To steer clear of this ditch, a focus on understanding and caring for self may require a mental health professional.
Contemplate these questions:
- Are my friends becoming overwhelmed, tired or over-burdened with my retelling of my experience?
- Am I spending more time trying to figure out my ex than I am bettering myself?
- Am I seemingly unable to engage in things that I would like to be doing or that I am expected to do?
Second Ditch:
Perhaps you have found yourself, in an honest moment; recognizing “I just want to be married again” or “I just want my person”. While this is a perfectly noble desire, it can be easy to land in the ditch of filling a void in your life with another person. The caution to this approach is that the “void” that has been created is the space for YOU to enter into your own healing and growth. It’s the space for reclaiming the parts of self that were lost when that person walked out of your life. Filling that void, as a means to find peace and joy will, ultimately, cultivate a relationship predicated on two challenging factors. First, your own obligation to continue to show-up as “the ideal partner who was previously misunderstood or mistreated” will become wearisome in time. If your smile is not emanating from a deeply healed inner peace, it will vanish in time. And secondly, that person’s ability to show-up as the “answer to your brokenness” will set that person up for failure when they are unable to deliver you from the discontent that will, undoubtedly, find you in time. The fact is, you will not be able to see that person as “who they truly are” when you need them to be less human, and less flawed in order to rescue your emotions. If therapy is seeked-out before creating new romantic and emotional bonds, you will likely be able to find yourself no longer needing the adoration of another person to validate your worth.
Contemplate these questions:
- Do I feel in touch with my value and unique contributions?
- Do I have a strong sense of who I am in the world and is that a person that I am proud to be?
- What do I “DO” that makes me valuable, likable and worthwhile?
- Am I fixated on the story that people around me will believe about me? And does a new relationship tell a story that I desperately need told?
Third Ditch:
A very effective coping strategy is one of avoidance. People who are gifted in this way may present with a “nothing bothers me” exterior which allows them to, seemingly, never miss a beat. This is an effective mechanism, which has likely worked in the past. These people are often referred to as “strong” or resilient. If this is you, you may have experienced, at some point, a person claiming you as an inspiration for your strength, only to feel “so sick to death of being strong”. The reason for this is typically because true strength resides in the person who faces what wounds them, directly and honestly. In short, those who are strong may be going through a lengthy season of hurting. Maybe it is the fear of missing out or of being “less-than” that drives avoidance. But, it is often also true that those who avoid do so because they “do not truly believe that they will ever be ok.” Challenging the notion that one CAN NOT heal, or avoidance for any reason is a great indicator that therapy would be in your best interest.
Contemplate these questions:
- Do I privately feel numb, but am keeping that to myself?
- Have I found myself thinking about smiling before I choose to do it?
- Are there people in my life who know ALL of what’s happening inside of me?
- Have I cut myself off from ALL that’s happening inside of me?
Not every break-up is like the one before. There is a LOT of nuance to experiencing this life transition. But, if you are finding greater awareness from these contemplations, you will likely have much to gain in therapy. It is my hope that you will not miss that opportunity. You are also invited to stay tuned for future parts of this series designed to walk you through a process of moving from the space of hurt and bewilderment to a space of greater levity, freedom and hope.
Until we meet again.
Todd Lewis Monroe, LMSW